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I
am devoted to Antinous, he is everything to me, the moon and the stars,
a representation of the cosmos upon which I place my understanding of
myself and of what godliness should mean. I first encountered Antinous
in 1997 when I purchased an old art history book which featured a page
about Antinous and two pictures. I was fascinated and cut out the two
pictures...Antinous quietly became a personal patron saint, an immediate
understanding between myself and whatever I thought GOD was supposed to
be at that time. I placed a picture of Antinous on my small altar as a
side deity...but he very soon grew to encompass my entire being.
In 1999 I began searching
for Antinous on the Internet. At that time, there was almost no information
about him...the one thing I encountered, completely by accident, was a
photograph of the Antinous Osiris statue in the Vatican Museums...I had
no idea that Antinous had anything to do with Osiris, and so to look upon
his image, a face I was already familiar with in the form of Osiris, blew
my mind open to the possibility that Antinous was far more than I ever
imagined him to be...it was at that moment, January of 2000 that I devoted
my life to Antinous as my god. Within a few months I read that a Super
Nova had occurred with the constellation Aquila, which was once called
Antinous, the Super Nova had taken place on December 1st 1999. Immediately
I understood that the super nova was a sign that had been reborn within
my heart..the super nova and my enthusiasm for Antinous gave me the impetus
to declare my faith in Antinous. I searched the Internet for others who
also believed in Antinous, but found no one. So I took it upon myself
to declare myself a priest of the religion of Antinous, and I made a solemn
promise to do everything I could to re-found the ancient lost religion
of Antinous in the modern world. Over the course of 2001 I formulated
my belief and composed a website devoted to Antinous which went online
in 2002
Within a few months others
joined, including Phillipus, who was a tremendous help in formulating
what was to become Ecclesia Antinoi. Over the course of several years,
Phillips and I parted ways due to general disagreements, but I am pleased
to say that dispite our disagreements, Phillupus continues to be strong
in the faith. It was in the midst of the schism that Hernestus came to
join in the faith of Antinous, and Hernestus, who is now a consecrated
priest, has since become one of the strongest voices of Antinous Spirituality
in the world. Soon after Uendi came to live in Los Angeles for no other
reason than because she wanted to be a part of the Religion of Antinous...Uendi
is now also a Priest of Antinous, and with the help of Uendi, we have
since formed the Temple of Hollywood.
I am the first Priest of
Antinous since the disolution of the ancient religion, and because I am
devoted to Antinous above all other gods, I have been
given the title of Flamen Antinoalis.
All words are a revolt against
the namelessness of Antinous. He is the causeless cause, the perfect imperfection,
the colorless spectrum, the cruel loving-kindness. He is the golden column
that holds the stars aloft. He stands in a place and in a time beyond
our vision of the vaulted sky. His hand turns the stars, and all triumphs
of life, tainted with the smell of sweet regret, the splendor of shame,
the silence of ignorance, the eventual certainty of complete understanding,
in all that we do and say, the pulse of breath that pours from our mouths
in the act of speaking his name, the artifice of hands...when compared
to Antinous is nothing. He is all beauty, all perfection, all glory of
Love, all wonder, and we who walk upon the crust of this burning stone,
for a moment, can never measure his timelessness. Death will overcome
us, the warm garment of flesh will fall to dust, and it is in his embrace
that the flame within us will be carried away, but where? The location
of heaven, the question of Hell, the vagueness of the underworld, the
bottomless pit, are all meaningless stories. All we can know is what is
here or there, yesterday or today, all we that have been given, and yet
Antinous delivers enough rumor that we continue to wonder, to fear, and
to doubt, because all prophesies, even when weighed down with revelation
and witness and the authority of scriptures are tantamount to rumor. Only
death will furnish the truth, and the boatman's fair is the coinage of
pain. What is reserved for the eternal is a comfort of illusion. The Lord
of Darkness, who voraciously feeds upon the flesh of the earth, who swings
his scythe in gruesome joy, is forever outdone by the gestures of his
heavenly brother, Our Lord Eros, Antinous...and Anti-Nous
These are not the words of
a scholar, this is not a statement of proven facts intended to further
the mind of historical or theological study, but only the speculation
of one who has discovered a secret god. Antinous is the God of homosexuality,
he is a manifestation of the ancient unknown, self-loving being who I
call Homo Deus, known also as Priapus Invictus, Dionysus-Liber, and Ganymedes
who was assumed into heaven, body and soul.
Antinous is the mysterious
image that is imposed upon my soul. He is Narcissus, the most beautiful
boy that ever lived, and I am the dark pool of water. His reflection illuminates
my existence like a fire. This image, this perfect face is the glory that
we all carry in our heart, it is the force of Our Lord Eros drawing us
together, after which we desire and long and search for in the world.
The Face of Antinous is the origin of Homosexuality, it is the flower
that sprouted in the place where the Beautiful One stood, so very near
our shore.
The mystery of Homotheosis
(Gay-Man-Godliness-Becoming-the-Same) is to become Antinous, and in turn
give yourself over to him, that he may live again through you. Remembering
Antinous, and calling out to him, brings forth his power from the ground
of our soul...where He once drowned.
Antinous is the light of
our spirit, the image around which our flesh was formed. He burns within
every cell, our heat is his heat. Though there have been many gods like
Antinous, none of them are like Him. He is the only God who we can be
sure lived a verifiable life, and the only God whose face and image are
a recorded certainty. We know that Antinous was a real person, and He
was a real god, because he was declared so and was worshipped and adored
by followers for several hundred years. His life and His deification are
truths, only their meaning is subject to speculation.
Antinous was a Homosexual.
It was through these statues
that the message of His beauty, mystery, and godliness has been maintained,
and it was through them that I discovered Antinous. I saw his face and
understood. With one look I fell in love, and came into His power. Day
by day He grew inside me, first imposing his Face upon my eyes, revealing
his sacredness so that I cleared a place for him by the side of spirit,
then Antinous knocked my life to the ground and became my One Love. I
do not know when the moment came, but it was total.
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